the end

it's official, i have finished my first semester of school! one semester down, i think 8,000 to go :)

this semester i travelled 4,000 miles between Albany and Binghamton....used 18 tanks of gas....listened to 9 books on cd.....got lost in my thoughts and figuring out my life.....had numerous group meetings...took four tests and wrote 9 papers....i had a variety of characters in my classes and still giggle about many of them....

during my travels, i learned where all the safe stops were along 88 (if anyone ever needs to know)....i fell down and broke my crown, which worried me for a while about not getting to the end of the semester....i did most things i enjoy while in school, better than i thought i would....some things did get neglected, but i guess that happens when you take on something new....

but the semester has ended, i have no grades yet....next semester i will be going twice a week...which should prove interesting....but for now, the end has come and it is sweet.

the light

it's almost here...the end of my first semester of doctorate school....on monday i had two group presentations....one class should have ended and the other one only has a homework and final left.

in my first class our group presentations were 10 minutes each....i think there were 10 groups....it was a waste of everyone's time...the projects, the presentations, everything....the professor promptly announced at the end of the presentations that they would not hurt or improve our grades....that's right, they won't really count! what the hell!?!! each group spent alot of time running statistics, writing summaries, putting together information....for it not to count! i left the class a little disappointed and wishing that i didn't have to go back.

in my second class, we did our final project presentation....this is the one that i have been working on all semester...the group that had the crazy member early on....anyway, we had been working for the last two weeks to finalize our paper and powerpoint....one group member was less than on top of her stuff....it was pretty crappy of her to not put more energy into the final project....and when she finally did her part, she didn't do what the rest of us did and was way off in the presentation....overall though, the presentation went well....we presented our stuff and then got the third degree from the panel of VP's that our professor invited to come.....we survived the third degree and then sat through the other group....

at the end of class, our professor announces that he had some feedback for both groups....he wanted to let us all know that he had expected to see three things in our presentations but didn't....and that he hoped they were in our papers....if they weren't in our papers, we would need to put it in and get the papers to him by sunday at noon....that's right, he basically said our papers probably sucked and we needed to fix it....okay, maybe that is a little extreme....but myself and one of my group members made faces at each other as he announced this extra work...the class was supposed to be over monday.....now we have more work to do....

i am a little crazy about this....i just want to be done....i just want to put the semester behind me, be done with statistics, be done with group projects.....today is wednesday....i have finished my "extra" work for the group project....good thing....i have started my last homework for stats, though still have enough to do....and still need to study for the final....the 40 question, cumlative final....

i am looking for the light....hoping i will see it soon.

The children....

last night, i think i realized what life must be like for my friends who have children....one, two, three, it must be crazy. but here is what happened.

i have a butt load of homework due in the next two weeks. two group projects and presentations (both include group papers that are 15-20 pages), a final homework, and a final exam. so, i had no after work commitments yesterday and decided i would dedicate the evening to getting some of the work done.

now, as some of you may know i have been home for the last 10 days (if you don't know, read "i feel weird")...so the dog and cats have had alot of "mommy" time with me....i couldn't do anything for most of those 10 days, so i laid in my bed or on the couch.....and they got all the attention they wanted....jack was sooo good in that time, he usually just laid with me, not getting into anything or doing anything bad....the cats too.

in my wisdom, i figured this behavior would continue....the "children" had been so good while i was stuck at home, they would continue to be good....i could probably get alot of work done. that was the plan....then i got home...

jack decided that he was going to be a pain about everything....chasing the cats around the house, digging up one of the house plants and after i cleaned it up, digging it up again....tater insisted on sitting on my lap or in front of the computer the whole time....and bella wanted food, to go outside, to come inside, to go outside again, to tease jack so he will chase her around the house....it went on like this for hours....no treat i gave jack interested him....nothing got tater and bella to be like cats and just sit in the corner.....NOTHING.

it figures in the time i need to do work, they all act up....all i wanted to do was get some extra credit work done for my stats class....and get some of the writing done for the two group papers, because i (someone kick me) volunteered to do the majority of the writing for both papers....yes, that was my "i need to be an overachiever" that came out when i volunteered to do that....the others in my two groups are wonderful and i have enjoyed working with them, but really, they are all very laid back about their grades and work....i needed to know it will be done.

to my friends with kids- this is why i don't have them....i couldn't imagine what last night would have been like if the animals were humans....and i had to pay all this attention to them after having been home with them for so many days in a row....i give you all alot of credit, good work on doing it all....

i did get some of the work done....with no help from the children.

i feel wierd

on thursday of this week, i feel down a set of stairs and injured myself...it wasn't a small fall, i think there were 7 stairs and i fell down them all....i was wearing regular shoes, nothing fancy, but hit the stairs the right way and down i went....it was scary...i couldn't breathe....it felt like hours before i got my breath back....it wasn't that long, but for a good while i sat outside on the stairs making an awful noise trying to figure out if i would ever breath again....two very nice students came over and helped me and were patient with me as i told them no ambulance....to make the story shorter, i got to the walk in, thanks to my supervisor....everyone let me refuse the ambulance, as i sat there all i could think is that bad things happen when someone is in the ambulance...i can't get in one....the walk in determined i broke nothing but i had injured my back badly and needed to stay in the lay down position for 7 days....i told the doctor no way 7 days....but he maybe right....

so, why do i feel wierd? well, pain meds aside, for the first time that i can remember, i have had to ask for an extension on a test for school....yes, i have a quiz this week and the pain is so bad that i could not make the drive to albany....i can't even sit up long enough to eat, could you imagine a 2 hour drive, 6 hours of classes, and then 2 more hours home? since friday i have been communicating with the professor, explaining what happened and how my recovering has been...i am thankful that she understands and is going to let me make up the quiz later....i still feel wierd about this....

i also feel wierd because in my other class my group and i have to present on dec 1....that is just a week away and we have been less than productive lately....so, here i am not able to get to albany tomorrow....i am hoping that they will be willing to talk with me over the computer or something during class....i have been working on my part of the project, but i also have been on pain meds...so, who knows if it all makes sense....i just hope the group is understanding....and the professor....

i go for a follow up with the doctor on tuesday....i hope by then that i am feeling better....that i can sit for longer than a meal....especially since i want to go see the family for thanksgiving....i don't really want to be stuck in bingo for the holiday....but if it happens, then it happens....it won't be so wierd.

life in the fast lane

i am not sure how fast lane i live, but sometimes it feels very fast....right now, i think i feel that way because i need time to do my homework, but i don't have it this week.....there are lots of reasons why, some that have made my heart happy, others are work related, but basically it's not getting done.

so on monday, i went to class as usual....and sat through stats class....i think if any class could kill, this would be it....the material is not interesting, and i know the professor can't help that, but she could be more exciting....i sit in class and think up stories about her life....what her house must look like- based on what her office looks like....her office is outta control! it's crazy messy and i am not sure how she finds anything....i went in to see her and there was no where for me to sit....now, i am sure some of you are thinking of other people you know with offices like this....just giggle for a minute.

back to her made up life in my head....her husband is just finishing up law school....a think it must have been a mid-career crisis....he decided he didn't like what was he was doing, so he went back to school....i give him credit, because i have decided he must be at least 55, which means that he decided at like 50 to change careers....a big decision when you are so close to retirment....so, in my head i give him alot of respect....

in class we got back our second quizes and homeworks....it was not as anxiety enducing as before...good thing. the guy next to me got a 100 on his quiz....i am a little jealous....fred flintstone announced during the break that he has never been in such a boring class before in his life....so, it's even bad for fred.

in org devo we talked about change....how to be a change agent, how to make change work, what needs to happen to be effective....the reading we had to do was very relavent to my everyday life...when i was reading, i kept thinking of my work life....what is happening in my department, on campus....things aren't great right now....mostly i think because the governor keeps bringing everyone down with budget crap....but i am not sure that's all it....but something feels off....maybe i will never figure it out....as for class, it was interesting to sit with the young ones and listen to them....again it goes back to me being the bitter old lady and them being the naive young ones....

as for life in the fast lane...this past weekend i was down in cold spring....that is where the in-laws are....we had a birthday party and a baby shower....not at the same time....this was the weekend some of the family decided it would be good to talk to me about dating again....i understand they are being supportive and helping me to know it's okay....it's not time....because i was away for the weekend, no work got done....i got home on sunday and i was exhausted....so i napped instead of doing my work....so the work i did get done was only this past week's, nothing ahead....the weekend with the family was nice, as always....and jack got to play with his cousin henry alot.

this week, i went to visit a friend in auburn....she is here from turkey....the country that is....yes, a good friend, she moved away....i miss her lots....i drove there with another friend....it was nice to just spend the time with them both....it made me realize how much i miss all my friends....and how much it really hurts....well, not hurt as much as i ache to be around them....i feel more whole when i am aroudn them....i dreamed last night that we all lived in the same place....again. i guess i am the only one who has really at one time lived in the same place as my friends....my friends haven't necessarily done that, but it would be nice....but as for my friend in turkey, i told someone today that i think of her being just in california....it makes it feel a little more close and easily accessible...the rest of the week is late meetings and then more time with friends....i hope to squeeze in laundry and homework....oh, and of course sleep.

i think the other thing that is hard for me is, that i miss my house and the cats and the dog when life is crazy....i work with moms and dads who talk about not having enough kid time or family time....and i guess when i think of it, while it's not the same, i don't have enough pet time....they are like my kids, my family.....and i miss them....and it's not fair to them that i am not here....but i just don't know how to do it all....i can't imagine if they were real children....so, i give you all credit- but i am still allergic ;)

okay, so this post is not so exciting....life in the fast lane for me this week has been a little depressing, i guess....but what's important is that i did see and will see lots of my special people...

change?

i need to write a little about what i saw happen last night....a man was elected to be our president, someone who is a minority, something i thought i would never see in my life time....it was a part of history that i can someday i saw happen....but i was not a supporter, i did not vote for him, and i am not sure what if any change he will bring to our country....

i voted for a third party candidate....i exercised the right i have as a citizen of this country and voted for who i felt would make the changes i believe need to happen....most people assumed through alot of this election, or at least that is the sense i got from them, that i would support the major party candidate....i never said one way or another who i was supporting....i was carefully watching.....to me, the major party candidates, neither of them, have any real balls....sorry for the language, but i want a leader who is not afraid to take on the tough issues and have a REAL opinion about them.....not someone who gives wishy washy answers and the answer that most of society will want to hear.....that's crap.

i voted for a third party candidate because i could....and i am thankful for that....alot of people said to me as i talked about my voting choice, "why would you vote for someone who won't win. your vote won't count." to me my vote did count...my vote said to the nation, we need to get over this two party stuff.....i mean really, what have these two parties done for us? except show us that it's okay to be disrespectful of each other, it's okay to say mean things about each other, and that it's okay to find ANY dirt you can about the other party.....i look for a leader and i don't see one....i haven't seen one....

now, i am a clinton person....i loved bill clinton....to this day the man excites me and motivates me....and everyone could say what they want about his morals....i believe that it was something between three people, a man, his wife, and his mistress.....i still stand by the man....1992 was my first presidential election.....that year, i drove to manchester, nh with one of my friends....we went to her family's house and then to democratic headquarters....it was the last time i was excited about an election....it was the last time i was truly happy about our "leader." i thought about that night last night as i was watching what was happening on the tv....watching all the supporters who were feeling hope, it brought me back to then....and i am happy that they too got to experience what i once did....

today i woke up sad....more sad than normal, because as i watched the news, i saw two states take away rights from me....i saw two states turn me and other people gay people into second class citizens....i am now watching a third state figure out how they are going to make a decision about their proposition...another state has taken away adoption rights to anyone, gay or straight, who is not married....that's right, a single person can not adopt or foster in this state....are gay people really that scary....i mean i do my best to not be scary.....but we are scary enough that we can't have simple rights to have a family and a legal, recognized marriage.....i sat in my office this morning, reading the news on line, and cried...it still blows me away that we live in a place that doesn't feel everyone deserves the same rights....equality.....

to my friends who support our new president, i say, i hope he proves me wrong.....to all, i want to apologize for assuming you may think like me or feel the way i do.....as i looked around during this election, i realized that it happens alot....that people make alot of assumptions about each other, based on what they do for a living, or where they work, or live.....so, to anyone i did that to, i am sorry for not being more self aware....

i will still hope that one day i will be seen as an equal in society....i hope that politicians will clean up their acts and be real leaders....and i hope there is some kind of change.

good monday

so, today is monday and i only had one class....i was home by 9:30, which is much different than the normal 1am monday....but let me tell you about the last few days....

yesterday i went to my normal studying place- barnes and noble....i had a statistics quiz today and really was determined to do better this time....so, index cards in hand, i found a place to camp out until i got it....something to understand is that i also had my second homework due for the class today....a homework that totally escaped me and really didn't understand, so studying for this quiz was causing alot of anxiety....

i got to the noble, found a comfy chair and pulled out my books, lecture notes, and note cards....let the studying begin...and the observing....sitting next to me is the man who sleeps every sunday....today i had a close up of the process....he read a magazine for about 10 minutes....then the snoring began....oh, and it wasn't the quiet little snoring one might due....oh, no...this was loud, i have something up my nose snoring....people staring snoring....all i wanted to do was study....but how could i not giggle at this man....until the moaning began....yes, that's right, he began to moan....not too loud or gross....but enough to be creepy.....what does one do with that? i do nothing...i recalled how last week i asked someone to stop breathing and decided i needed to be nicer....so, i did my best to focus on my studying.....he moved a little....opened his eyes, closed them again....then he got up....out of the chair....phew....snoring man was gone.

then there was the couple at the table....they were in their 50's i would say....she was a teacher...i know this because i hear the man say to her, "they only want to see your paystub because they are nosy about how much you make." my ears perk up....i need to hear more of this one....she insists that it's just to prove she is currently employed by a local school district, they didn't look at her salary...."yeah, right. they are probably tracking it all." was the husbands response....she leaves the table, he continues to sit there and read some hunting and gun magazine....for those who know me- i don't like guns....just ask one of my colleagues/friends about active shooter training...i won't be your partner.

a young couple comes in, i would say late high school....she wants to sit in the one available comfy chair, he is clearly annoyed that there isn't a place for him to sit....he goes over to the table man and asks if anyone is sitting in the clearly empty chair....the man turns from his magazine and says, "no you can't have that my wife is sitting there." the smartass kid says- i don't see your wife. of course there are four other available chairs at the table, but the kid was being an ass. anyway, the guy compromises with the kid, let's him have the chair....the kid then places the chair in the middle of the aisle right in front of his girlfriend's chair....yes, that's right, can you say clingy...or abusive....or something....he sat there and stared at her while she read....he read nothing....just stared at her....CREEPY!

goth girl was there, studying, not working....ancient greek....not because i asked, but because i heard....she is graduating in december....hoping to move to- get this- rochester or DC....yes, think about it, can you think of the similarities....i mean i often compare the two....i guess the big thing is, soon she won't be around to look at anymore....for those of you who know her, get your time in at the noble now!

other interesting people at the noble- a man of god....the best part of him being there was that alex was also there....and when alex saw him he said, "jesus" loud.....alex also thought it would be good to sit next to me....he talked to himself alot....kept saying how much he liked the book he was reading....and wandered....he never sat for more than 10 minutes, but at one point he started reading out loud the text from my book that i was studying from....i didn't say a word.

as for tonight...i had my quiz and i hope i did okay....i felt like i knew the material, let's hope i was right....today the professor wore an interesting outfit....her pants were too short, she had on two scarves- one bigger than the other- and a big necklace....i spent alot of class thinking about how i would help her to dress better some day.....of course, i think this about alot of people....

now, i will go back to jack, who is whining....and enjoy the rest of my good monday night.