exhausted....

the end is near....it's been a month since i have written and it's mostly because of the exhaustion i feel....and the stress...and the overwhelming feelings that just don't seem to go away.....but i feel the end coming...

in the last month school has seemed to taken over my life....lots of things have been due, lots of presentations....last week i had my last tuesday class, but still have one more thing due in two weeks....i have my last monday class tomorrow, with my final presentation due....the hope is it all goes smoothly...

as for other things, my first pet, tater got very, very sick....he started acting a little funny...he went to the vet...the vet said, "oh, i think he is just mad at you, since he seems to not be in pain." he gave me some instructions, i followed them....tater seemed to be okay other than his wierd behavior...then this past week i came home and there he laid...he wouldn't get up, he growled at me, and he was just not himself....i called the vet...he made me press on tater's abdomen...no reaction, so he tells me to call this other vet the next morning.....i call first thing and bring tater in....he is in bad shape...bad, bad shape....the vet tells me what needs to be done and i start to cry....she explains that if i can't pay, they can set up a payment plan...i look at her through my tears and explain- it's not the money....so, tater has to stay until saturday....

the emotions i feel for this one little kitty is overwhelming....some of my co-workers and friends kid me about how my animals are my kids....and i guess i realized how much they really are like my own little children...now, i don't want you all to think i am some crazy cat lady, but really, i thought that if i lost tater it would be difficult....how would bella be? and would jack even notice? but really, what would it be like for me....tater was the first other i have lived with harmoniously....he greets me at the door every day when i come home....it would be difficult...

i am happy to report that my baby is recovering nicely....he has a feline disease that he has always had, but has now come out....and he will always be on a special diet....but he is better...

i also have been thinking more and more about my grief....i was talking to a friend recently who told me that you don't ever get over the grief, you just learn to live through it....and i think more everyday that it is true....the pain i have felt since Oct 2006 has not eased...i just have learned to manage it better.....and there are some days that i just wish that it wasn't the management of it, but more the healing of it....but i can't figure out the healing....i have done the things people have said i should do- gone on retreats, seen counselors, reading books....but it's just management of feelings....and there are times when i just can't seem to manage all the feelings, especially lately....

two different couples i know got engaged in the last month....i am happy for them both and their love and happiness is beautiful....it's a struggle at times to keep it all together...to not feel like i missed out on my beautiful happiness....i recently was talking to one of them about what we did to remember kristen and her dad at her brother's wedding....and i almost lost it...the management almost failed me....

there is something about the end of the school year that makes me miss kristen more....i think it's the thought of another year ending, another year of life having happened without her....it's the thought of all that i tried to accomplish and all that she wasn't here for me to tell her about...or react to...or just talk me through it....another thing that makes the management difficult.

so, what i know is that i am exhausted....mostly from trying to manage it all....i need a break...if you have suggestions, i am listening.

it happened here

back in the spring of 1999 i was sitting in my office in dravo....a student walked in, looking distraught but seemed to be unable to speak....i sit her in a chair and she starts to cry uncontrollably....i asked some questions, what happened? are you hurt? is someone else hurt? she tried and tried to pull herself together....but all she could choke out is- i can't get thru....i ask, to who? then my office phone rings...it's one of my ra's telling me that something terrible has happened in colorado...had i seen the news? no, i hadn't seen the news, i had been working all day...and back then we weren't that connected to anything....the ra then said she was looking for one of her residents who was from colorado and she wanted to make sure that the resident wasn't from that area...i said, come to my office now.

that resident had lost a brother and some favorite teachers in columbine....she eventually told me that she couldn't get through to her family to find out what was happening....we got her on a plane as soon as possible...it was such a sad day...but i thought, "i am thankful it didn't happen here."

i think that a lot as i watch the news or hear about terrible tragedies, like columbine, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City....i think, i live in a sleepy city....i have always lived in sleepy cities...places that you couldn't imagine the unimaginable...until it happens...

on friday it happened here...i was not in the area when it all happened....as a matter of fact i didn't know it happened until lunch time, when i turned on my cell phone again....i had been presenting all morning...a good friend had called to say a shooting happened in binghamton....myself and another friend thought she was wrong...it must be birmingham...not binghamton...because it couldn't happen here. but we were wrong and she was right...it was binghamton...

14 people lost their lives...13 of them were innocent...13 were going about their normal day....13 people who woke up assuming it was just going to be a friday....maybe they were thinking about their plans for the weekend...the 14th person, made the plans....it's scary to think that it happened here...the unimaginable...the unthinkable...the "that could never happen here" happened here.

circus de ole and where's bob?

this past week in class we were talking about "Blue oceans." blue oceans are untapped ideas that people make into money....one that was mentioned in our reading was the cirque du soleil...it was interesting to read about their beginnings and the creator...but what was most fun, was my professor...he kept saying in class, "circus de ole" and i thought for sure i was hearing things...there was no way he was saying that....so, i turned to my classmate and said, "do you hear that?" and she giggles and says, "yes" and then i giggle...and the professor keeps on saying, "let's think of ideas like the circus de ole" and no one corrected him....we all just giggled.

in my tuesday class we figured out who would win the ncaa tournament based on athlete graduation rates....the final would come down to dayton and duke...and duke would just edge out dayton....it'a very interesting to see how athlete graduation rates are figured out....and how they are broken down...in men's basketball it's between african americans and whites....and it's only those who actually stay....so, if you happen to have been on the basketball team in november and then all of a sudden you are off the team in february, you don't count toward graduation rates....it's just another way in which statistics prove nothing. (my stats teacher from the fall would be proud).

now, where is bob? this is a question i received today at barnes and noble...i have not been there in a while to study, but today i decided to give it a try....my table was in an interesting spot, it was a high table near low tables...and there was alot happening....first, there was a young woman who was approached by a young man...they knew each other but had not seen each other in a while....it started as an interesting conversation- "how old are you now?" this was him asking her....my ears perked right up-why not? obviously he was checking to make sure she was old enough to get into her pants....well, this is what i assumed...the conversation went on about where she has traveled to, where she wants to go to college, and what he has been up to (he goes to UAlbany)....she is a senior at Vestal...then the conversation turns to prop 8...my ears really perk up....she then explains to him that she is the president of the GSA...i am impressed...she continues about how prop 8 is wrong, etc...this all ends with her giving him her phone number....she will learn.

then two gay boys come sit at the low table near me....and i get hear their escapades from the night before...not anything i want to hear...i do my best to ignore, but i am like big brother over them....so, it's hard to ignore...but back to bob....so alex follows me into barnes and noble...you might remember alex from other blogs...he wanders around talking to himself...today was no different, except he came up to me and said, "where's bob? did you see where he went?" i looked at him, wide-eyed....i am stunned that he is talking directly to me...i am more stunned that he is looking for someone specific....then before i can say anything, bob comes up to him and walks him to a table...there was a bob...and bob seemed to be having a conversation with alex....i was impressed....later in the night alex's phone rang and he yelled, "MOM! I AM WITH MY FRIENDS. I AM NOT COMING HOME!" this is when i decided to leave....no one needs a mad alex...that might turn into a circus de ole...

hand dryer

this week when i was at school, i went into the bathroom before i left for home...always a good idea so i don't have to stop on scary 88 anywhere to pee....anyway, i do my business, wash my hands, and turn around for paper towels and i see this....





so, after my moment of confusion, i read the sign....you basically stick your hands in between the wall and this device...it turns on and drys them..quickly...it was awesome...and so environmentally friendly...it made my day

hmm...

this week in my life, things have been a bit better....on monday i received news that i won the presidency of the organization i am in....this was good news....my quiz in class that night, became open book, open notebook...this is very good news when you have not studied one bit....tuesday was also good, because there was no news....and now is wednesday....it was a quiet day at work, and we had a good safe zone training...

but let's go back a little...first, to monday night's class...so, i spent all day on sunday in bed...my young, active, social life caught up with me....i laid in my bed until 5pm...something i don't think i have done since college....one of the favorites was here too...she also stayed in bed that long....we got up, made dinner, played a few games and then went back to bed.....notice here- i did not study....i knew i had a quiz on monday night, but i did not study one bit...

i thought i would study at work- right, this has yet to work for me....so, i am not sure why i thought it would be different on this day....no studying at work...i get to class and read through my notes and figure, whatever....this is the same professor who decided on our papers to give us all full credit, no matter how we did on it...so, maybe the same luck would come to me on this night....he taught class first, quiz would be at the end...he handed out the quiz, explains it, and then announces, open book, open notebook....i breath, i think for the first time all night....

as for the win...as you know i had my thoughts about running for president...and i threw my name in the hat and amazingly my name was picked....i am still in shock about this...but first let me tell you about the phone call...

i am sitting in my office and my cell phone rings...one of my secretaries is in the office with me asking me some question about housing, that i probably don't need to answer, but i am answering anyway....i ignore the phone call...secretary leaves- i listen to the voicemail...it's the current past president saying she needs to talk to me about the election...she sounds very serious...i listen to her voicemail a few times (4 to be exact) to see if i can tell anything from her voice...i start to shake because i have decided it must be bad...after all, this past president is usually much more friendly with me...so, i have decided she has bad news and is nervous to talk to me too....

i call back...shaking like crazy....i mean, my whole body is nervous...it was crazy- i remember being this nervous when i started high school, but not really since....so, i call back...i have to tell the person (who i have decided was a student) three times my name before he got it right...then she gets on the phone...she starts by telling me she has unfortunate news for me....i feel the lump but remind myself that i will not cry until the call is done....then the words, "you will have to serve in the president cycle for the next three years." i was shocked...i am still shocked...

i have received a lot of emails since the announcement went out about my win...i appreciate all the warm, kind thoughts that have been sent to me...now, we will see how i do with all this...

woes of home ownership....

last night I decided to skip class....mostly because I had a pretty shitty day at work (but that's a different story)....i got home and heard rushing water in my house, but couldn't find it anywhere....so, I took jack out for his walk and noticed water coming out of the house under the tenant's kitchen window.

I key into her place, and there it is...water spraying out of the cabinet under the sink and about 2-3 inches of water....i get one of the valves shut off, call a friend to see if her dad can come help me, and the tenant....the dad can't come over and the tenant didn't answer. I call the plumber and the gas company. The tenant's gas has been off since last week, for nonpayment- awesome. the electricity, longer....I pay $300 to the gas company for them to change the name on the bill to mine and to come out on thursday to turn everything back on. the plumber explains to me that the circulating pump on the furnace runs on electricity, so the heat has not been working since the power was shut off....a new fact for me to know....he then explains all the possible things that could be wrong-panic sets in.... I pay the plumber $135 to come shut off a valve I could have shut off myself, if I knew where the damn thing was and for the slight panic he has given me....he explains how to heat up the apartment, so there is no more damage.....

I call home owner's insurance- they don't cover damage when there is no heat. i sent the tenant's lease to my brother in law for help....what are my rights? he has a lawyer review it and tell me what to do next....write a letter, highlighting all the places in the lease that show she is liable for the damages and repairs.....put together the total of the repairs- 855 plus carpet replacement....i won't see the money i am sure unless i take her to court....which i am pretty sure i will do....

the best part-i had to clean up the dirty apartment (see pictures) in order to get the carpet dried out....it was gross and no one should have to do that....i put all her crap into plastic bags, placed the bags in the bathroom and left them there....

here is part of the broken sink

the plumber was able to turn my water back on and fix the broken parts today....it only cost 135 and the damage was minimal....as he said to me, "you got lucky this time."

i love my house and owning it...and i love that i have a way to supplement the mortgage payment....but i need to find a way to weed out the idiots....

gratitude

today i was sitting in a waiting room, waiting....i picked up a magazine that on the cover said, "how being grateful can improve your life." so i decided to check it out...

the article asked four women to keep a gratitude journal for two months...everyday they had to record what they were grateful for that day...the women talked about how doing this improved their outlooks and attitudes...and how it made them see the smaller things too....i thought that it is a great idea....

so, today i am grateful for five guys hamburgers and fries....they made me smile after a tough appointment...