what happens when it's time to close

i was recently at one of my favorite programs of the year, called breakfast by moonlight. it happens on the monday of finals week, basically the dining hall serves late night breakfast and the rd staff does some games and gives away prizes...it's just a nice end of the semester celebration and everyone seems to enjoy it....

even though i am not in newing anymore, i still love the program and attended both semesters...this past monday, i found myself there once again, hanging out with the staff and students....one of the events that happened at breakfast by moonlight was the passing of the newing navy plaque from last year's winners to this year winners...so, it went from endicott to chenango...it was nice and the chenango students were very happy to be crowned the new champs....

at the end of the night, i was one of the last people to leave the dining hall...i turned around and saw sitting on the table was the plaque...the new champs had forgotten the prize possession...so, i picked it up, didn't want it to fall into the wrong hands...or to walk away, never to be seen again....the new boss lady of newing knew i had it...and i decided i would do a little adventure with the plaque...

i set up an email account to send the rd of the winning building emails from the plaque...the first said, "i am was left behind, so i decided to take an adventure...don't worry i will be back soon." then the next email to her had this picture in it...


this is the plaque driving the gem car, it's first destination was hillside










while in hillside, the plaque stop for a visit in the office and then to play a little pool....











after the pool, a walk in the nature preserve seemed appropriate





and then it took the chance to take a rest on a bench and take in the scenery...
after taking in the scenery...it was time to head home...

but first the plaque wanted to visit each of the areas....

after checking out each area, the plaque decided it was best to be in newing...where it belonged









thanks b for being a good sport! :)

exhausted....

the end is near....it's been a month since i have written and it's mostly because of the exhaustion i feel....and the stress...and the overwhelming feelings that just don't seem to go away.....but i feel the end coming...

in the last month school has seemed to taken over my life....lots of things have been due, lots of presentations....last week i had my last tuesday class, but still have one more thing due in two weeks....i have my last monday class tomorrow, with my final presentation due....the hope is it all goes smoothly...

as for other things, my first pet, tater got very, very sick....he started acting a little funny...he went to the vet...the vet said, "oh, i think he is just mad at you, since he seems to not be in pain." he gave me some instructions, i followed them....tater seemed to be okay other than his wierd behavior...then this past week i came home and there he laid...he wouldn't get up, he growled at me, and he was just not himself....i called the vet...he made me press on tater's abdomen...no reaction, so he tells me to call this other vet the next morning.....i call first thing and bring tater in....he is in bad shape...bad, bad shape....the vet tells me what needs to be done and i start to cry....she explains that if i can't pay, they can set up a payment plan...i look at her through my tears and explain- it's not the money....so, tater has to stay until saturday....

the emotions i feel for this one little kitty is overwhelming....some of my co-workers and friends kid me about how my animals are my kids....and i guess i realized how much they really are like my own little children...now, i don't want you all to think i am some crazy cat lady, but really, i thought that if i lost tater it would be difficult....how would bella be? and would jack even notice? but really, what would it be like for me....tater was the first other i have lived with harmoniously....he greets me at the door every day when i come home....it would be difficult...

i am happy to report that my baby is recovering nicely....he has a feline disease that he has always had, but has now come out....and he will always be on a special diet....but he is better...

i also have been thinking more and more about my grief....i was talking to a friend recently who told me that you don't ever get over the grief, you just learn to live through it....and i think more everyday that it is true....the pain i have felt since Oct 2006 has not eased...i just have learned to manage it better.....and there are some days that i just wish that it wasn't the management of it, but more the healing of it....but i can't figure out the healing....i have done the things people have said i should do- gone on retreats, seen counselors, reading books....but it's just management of feelings....and there are times when i just can't seem to manage all the feelings, especially lately....

two different couples i know got engaged in the last month....i am happy for them both and their love and happiness is beautiful....it's a struggle at times to keep it all together...to not feel like i missed out on my beautiful happiness....i recently was talking to one of them about what we did to remember kristen and her dad at her brother's wedding....and i almost lost it...the management almost failed me....

there is something about the end of the school year that makes me miss kristen more....i think it's the thought of another year ending, another year of life having happened without her....it's the thought of all that i tried to accomplish and all that she wasn't here for me to tell her about...or react to...or just talk me through it....another thing that makes the management difficult.

so, what i know is that i am exhausted....mostly from trying to manage it all....i need a break...if you have suggestions, i am listening.